Why do I bother?

I wonder sometimes, why do I bothers?

As some people know I am ill, apart from the physical I also suffer from the mental as well.

At present I'm really, really depressed.

1. I feel that I talk to brick walls a lot. I talk to myself all the times now, I do this because at least I know that someone is at least listening to me - even if it is only me.

2. I feel that I am only tolerated at the best of times.

Do you know what really sucks. My wife and I have no friends. Actually, that's not strictly true but it does link into the above statement. Chelle and I have never been able to go out of an evening and enjoy a night together. Never. The children are now old enough to be left on their own, but we have never been able to do that prior.

3. People make promises to me, and then forget. Be it my family or people. See point 2.

4. No one will employ my wife, even though she is willing to work, unlike so many other unemployed. Because you are over 30, not stunningly beautiful or educated (or connected) you are excluded.

5. My children have no desire to study or improve themselves. Life is just one constant holiday for them. Because they don't perform well at school they are labled as "dumb" and are taunted and ostracised by many.

Anyway why am I writing all this. I don't know, maybe because I like to talk to myself.

Each day for me is a struggle. When I wake up each day it's with the thoughts "why am I still alive" and "what is the point of my existence?". Death quite clearly can't come soon enough for me. I was brought up a Roman Catholic and had it drummed into me that God rewards those who do the right thing. Clearly I'm not doing the right thing by His judgement and must continue to suffer in the world of a living Hell.

I suffer from depression.