74 days and counting...

Hmm, things are not improving.

Had some minor flooding in one of the rooms downstairs.  Seems that my children are not to take baths/showers at the same time that a major downpore in upon us.  I think that the drains are a problem, and I think they are the councils drains at fault.  So after almost having a heart attack moping up I have decided to let it flow.  I just don't have the strength these days to do to much exertion, lazy of me, but it's all I can do.  All the important stuff is located elsewhere and nearly everything is at least 6" above the ground.  Mind you the carpeted room does smell like a lot of wookies have taken up residence.  Reminds me of that line in Van Helsing "why does it smell like wet dog in here?"

My period of ennui continues.

Why I can't find it in me anymore to do the things I once loved doing I don't know.

January is a period of mourning in my household.  Grandfather (mothers side) on the 12th and Edward John McDonnell on the 20th.  Went and did the cemetry duty.  Tidyed up the graves and pulled out the weeds in my grandfathers plot.  My sister placed lots of white rocks at the surface, and with the council not caring where their gardening waste blows to, makes for a lot of work.  I visited very briefly my parents grave, but there are no happy memories associated with them so it was just to look, curse them and leave.

It's interesting to note that you can sometimes misinterpret things while using the impersonal medium of the internet.  Yet I find it's a way of finding out who your friends are or aren't by the responses you get or don't get.  I have been grateful to the few who have communicated with me over the Christmas and New Year period.  It's nice to know that I'm not totally forgotten.  A visit would have been nicer, but at least one form of communication is better than none.  One person I bumped into actually said I should have said something about wanting games or contact, to which I replied "and you didn't because?"  Which of course stumped them - I've made it quite obvious that I desire contact, having to "beg" for companionship is beneath me.  If you don't think to include me in games or social events, "inviting" myself is not the solution.  In the end I'm just a bitter, lonely old man.

That's where I am - bitter.  I think I spend so much time alone with nothing but myself for company that I'm a little more unbalanced than I normally am.  I think I have lost the skill to interact with people - which I guess makes me a less than desireable acquaintance or friend.  I've done my lot of chasing people and am now working on the "if you respect me as a friend, then you'll include me".  The fact that this is not happening leads me to feel isolated and alone.  I guess it's a problem of my own making.

I really don't know what I'm going to do this year.  I can't find the passion I once had.  Trying to make ends meet is going to prove a challenge this year.  The cost of living is not getting any cheaper.  My wife and daughter both work now which makes my weekends of being able to do as I like becoming untenable.  My "special" needs means it's hard to fit in with a lot of activites I'd love to participate in.  Again, I'm doomed by the nature of the circumstances that define my existence.