2015 A New Start

2015 has started, though not on the most auspicious of circumstances.  My luck does not change, even if the year does.

Still searching for my multimelta to place on top of my Imperial Speeder.  Searching again this morning and I found a few more items!

Another set of 5 Birdmen of Catrazzar (Dogs of War), I think I bought 5 boxes of these days in the day.  I've accounted for 3, the rest must be here somewhere.....

The lower torso and legs of the passenger of the Vincent Black Shadow Bike, only the bucket seat to go!

The metal ork battle buggy, but now crew or weapon.

3 clip on flamers for the original plastic terminators that came in Space Hulk.

So as I continue to search I find yet more little gems.

Below is what's now in bottles slowly being digested and stripped of paint with the aid of Dettol.

Assorted Chaos Space Marines including Noise Marines I'd
forgotten I had.  Oh that metallic purple paint GW used to do!

Genestealer Hybrids!  Including up in the top right corner
a rare find for me the hybrid familiar, I had been using it as
the top of a banner pole.  These will be stripped and repainted
for Space Hulk (as I don't have enough for start a Genestealer
Cult Army.... yet!)

So I continue to search, who knows what I may find!  Maybe that original tyranid model (from RT days), I'm sure I had one?

2014 Wrap Up

It’s New Years Eve 2014.

This year has not been the best of years to date.  Many things happened, most of them distressing and depressing.  At the beginning of the year I made my fourth attempt at suicide, failed obviously and ended up in the Mental Health Unit at the Princess Alexandra Hospital.  An experience I won’t want to repeat.  My poor wife continues to battle her own ill health, with limited success.  My eldest child left home rather abruptly to make a life on his own.  My personal demons makes life difficult and I spend much of it alone, if only to spare others my behaviour and to protect what little sanity I have left.  My house continues to leak, critical appliances break and the cost of living just keeps rising.  With a government hell bent on spending cuts, the future looks extremely bleak for pensioners. 

However while there has been more woe than joy I think I’d like to thank a number of people for bringing some moments of joy into an otherwise bleak life.  These are not in any particular order of merit.

Michael M.

A friend that I have known since school (year 6).  His generosity over the year and in the past has been greatly appreciated.  A chap I always drop a line to if in need of technical advice when it comes to computers. 

Michael & Jazz S.

Michael and his daughter have given me much joy with their company and generosity over this year.  Michael has popped over a number of times during the year, sometimes coinciding with seeing my posts of depression.

Simon G

Like Michael another person who has made an effort to entertain an old man in his disquiet.  His generosity is also noted.

K-Lee, Simon, Inara and Tiberius M.

A lovely family whose friendship has been heart warming.  The birthday card from Inara has been safely stored away with all the other wonderful memories I've collected.  Thank you for including me in your thoughts.

Tye R

A very nice person who turned up to the club one day with a carton of cider for me.  He said he thought I’d appreciate it.  The act in itself is what was important to me, yes the cider was wonderful, but his kindness will last longer than the cider.

Glen T.

Have known Glen for a long time.  His concern and interest in my welfare has been uplifting as has been his phone calls and visits.  His jokes have always made my wife laugh, though she almost always knows if it is him who phones now.  Glen has been supportive and generous to me, particularly when I failed to suicide earlier this year.

Anthony R

A much abused and sometime rebellious family retainer.  His company has been appreciated throughout the year.   His Christmas rum balls are always looked forward to.

The Crew of the Blind Pig

(Jason B, Leslie A, Paul L, Pat D)

Thanks for the games and company you have provided throughout the year.  To Pat for being there first thing in the morning and sharing a chat, sometimes I even beat him to the venue.  To Leslie for his highly entertaining conversations including the discussions of the Oglaf web-cartoon.  To Jason for including me in the board games he’s brought along to play, including the coin game he gave me.  To Paul for allowing me to run the web presence and promotion of the club.

James GG

For making time to have a game or two with me over the year. 

Simon M.

For his presence and kindness throughout the year.

Nick C.

For giving me the opportunity to contribute to his magazine.

Nick B

For his generosity with figures I was collecting

Sean O

A huge thank you for his generosity and kindness in helping me complete my Heroquest and Space Crusade.  His kindness made me think that there were still genuine nice guys out there.

Mark R
For his understanding and empathy.  His generosity and his recent visits.

Peter F
For his generous support throughout the year.  His kindness has been greatly appreciated.

Andrew R
My regular Napoleonic opponent.  Thanks for putting up with the deep depression I get into when my dice fail me on so regular an occurrence.

Steve J
For helping me out with all the trees and vegetation issues at home.  For being someone to have a chat with.  Thanks.

Life Promotion Clinic, Australian Institute for Suicide Research and Prevention

To Professor Diego, Dr Adam, Diane O and Polomi.

There are probably many others that I could mention, but these are the primary people who have made my year 2014 just that little more bearable.  

Thank you all and I hope that you can continue to support a mentally and physically broken person in the remaining years of the life I have. 

John

The 40K 2nd Edition Project - Ultramarines

I have decided (as you will see elsewhere) to run a 40K 2nd Edition tournament on May 16 2015.

While I don't as a rule play in my tourneys, you will find from time to time an odd number of participants on the day.  Hence I need to be the "bye" on the day.  Therefore I am at present in the mood to paint.

My marines I don't have a problem with.  A nice mix of old and 2nd edition models.  I was lucky and obtained a Imperial Speeder in  a trade a while ago.  My painting is now on hold as I desperately search for the multi-melta that rides on top of the speeder.  I found it the other day (ok maybe a few months ago, honestly it couldn't have been a year - surely) now I put it in a safe place (you know the one you know you will always remember) and can't find it.  So the start of the search begins!  How long will it take me to find this time.  Taking bets....

From "Book of the Astronomican" page 62

I'd like to paint this model in the colours above, but I really don't know about yellow - seems to Imperial Fists to me.

Almost all the pieces, just the multi-melta and
banner pole (which I will have to make)

Oh and some of the Ultramarines in the process of being painted.
Still much to do before they are finished.

Naval War by Avalon Hill

Naval War

Today was pension day and I had a little bit of money to spend.  I popped into ACE Comics at Annerley and bumped into Paul H the owner of Emperor's Legion.  Paul opened the shop the chin wagged for a while and then I spotted Naval War.  I could not help myself and I bought this.  I have fond memories of playing this back in the 80's.  Now I hope that the current generation of friends are willing to give it a go.  Can play up to 9!

Wanted the Conquest 40K LCG but stocks have sold out, and the word I'm hearing is that people are buying four sets just to get 4 copies of the singular cards that come in the starter.  When all you want is the base game, not being able to buy because people are soaking up the stock is frustrating.  It's like with the X-Wing game came out and collectors rather than players were buying stock.  It really is a silly world we live in.

Depressing times and he's off the planet again!

This time of the year is never good for me, it marks one of the dangerous crisis points where my chances for suicide are higher than many other times (the other is my birthday).

My period of ennui continues.  I cannot find the spark I have had in painting or modelling.  I look, I get excited, then reality sinks in and I realise I just can't do it.  I cannot place my finger on why I can't do what I once enjoyed with a passion.  Perhaps it's my adult self finally realising it's time to grow up. Nah that won't happen, if I did that then I would be very dead indeed.

Much has happened in my personal life this year.

My wife is suffering from a malady which doctors can't quite pin down.  This has placed a stress on our relationship, but we both know that after 29 years of marriage we won't be divorcing.  Besides I would be worrying too much about her if I did, which I won't.  So all I can do is take her to her appointments and hope that a cure can be found.

My eldest child has flown the nest under rather strained circumstances.  It is now going on two weeks and I've not heard from him, neither has anyone else in the family.  This situation has depressed me significantly and makes we worry about the concept of family even more.  I understand that all children leave the nest eventually, but it's almost as though as a parent I failed to educate and bring him up with values a loving family would appreciate. I don't know where he's living or with whom.

My youngest has now finished compulsory education.  So a new chapter in her life is about to begin.

I'm having to get used to the new paradigm.  No drop off and pick up from schools, taking children to places and work (though that does happen to a lesser degree).  Still can't sleep in, not that I can with my mind in constant flux from 3-4am.  All I can do is plug in my iPod and listen to an audio book to drive out the perplexing thought processes that fill my rampant mind.

For those in Brisbane it has so far been a season of storms, and my residence as usual suffers from water incursions.  Being a pensioner with no savings, it is next to impossible to maintain my residence.  The roof leaks, my lower level leaks (built into the side of a slope), my drains are cracked, lights are broken or faulty.  It's all I can do to feed my family and pay the ever increasing utility bills.

I find it so aggravating that this world is now so driven by greed and selfishness.  Employers don't want full time employees (they want contractual slaves who worry constantly about whether they will have their job renewed), casualisation of the work force where a business will employ juniors rather than employ a mature/older worker.  Employers and managers in their late 20/30's thinking they know better than everyone else, and cover their asses rather than solving problems.  Where being over 50 is a death sentence for employment.  Oh I could go on and on, but what's the point.  This world is on the course of the Titanic, people can make a difference, but as long as they think they will be the one on the lifeboats they don't and won't make the difference to improve the world and society.

My wife and I were brought up Roman Catholics, we did the same for our children.  Yet the so called fine institutions I sent my children too preferred to view Catholicism as an elitist association, where anyone who's parents weren't somebody (and I'll leave you to define that category) were not worthy of knowing, certainly not encouraging a disadvantaged child to associate with them in fear that the disease of poverty might rub off on them and they become losers.  As I stated I am a Roman Catholic, I will remain one until the day I die.  I have a problem with my Church, not in its doctrine, but in the people who now populate its hierarchy.  I was once asked by a parish member why my family have not been to church, my reply was "when god returns to the church, so will I".

So my ramble is almost over.  I am a bitter and angry man these days.  Wishing my somewhat immortal life was over and that the oblivion of the afterlife would hurry up and embrace me.  While some may think heaven is my ultimate destination, I am inclined to believe purgatory is where I will end up, suffering is all I can expect.  Just as long as I don't have to return to this benighted and godless world.  Hell exists both in the afterlife as well as in the here and now.

Here ends my sermon.