Sunday, June 17, 2018

The Fabricated Tales of Alpha Capharius Part Two

The Fabricated Tales 
of Alpha Capharius 
DC-12-9/5/9/ZT5F412A0
Part Two

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++1H4T-78G/76HH56++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject has had six memory scrubs and is still resisting the primary directions of a major psychic excision. I can see why the Forgeworld were so keen to be rid of this individual. His resistance is peculiar and almost heretical in nature, if it were not the fact his uniqueness was of use, he would be a servitor by now.  How he escaped this fate on the Forgeworld will need to be investigated at some stage.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have awoken in my chambers to the clarion words ++you are being watched++.  I could not fathom this intrusion to my process and initiated a system diagnostics, during which ++you are being watched++ repeated itself multiple times throughout the process.  Every time I thought of some action that seemed obvious to my standard nature (some would say base) up would come ++you are being watched++.  This led me to believe I had been tampered with ++you are being watched++, and made the decision to head to my workshop to initiate a process to rectify the situation ++you are being watched++.  Every step of the way ++you are being watched++ was being repeated on an almost constant cycle, for me it was every .125 seconds.  It was as I entered my workshop the Interrogator known as Blackthorne stopped me and informed me of my situation!

Apparently I had performed heroically last mission ++you are being watched++ and accessed quantities of restricted data that the Inquisition had deemed unnecessary for me to retain (flashed imaged of Mexican food and 60cm rubber device) ++you are being watched++.  I of course find this hard to believe ++you are being watched++, I am going to find this very hard to deal with ++you are being watched++ (OK for the brevity of this story I will not be including the ++you are being watched++ as it will quadruple the size of the story, though many cubicle users I’m sure would appreciate the paper).  So I have no memory of this or what the hell she is talking about, what previous mission?  She leads me to the central star chamber where I find two members I recall meeting briefly on planet and in training, and two new comers.

I was introduced to Horst Gruben a lanky Hive Worlder, at least he was from the Imperium, not like the others who proved to be from the planet which the other two primitives were spawned on.  This individual immediately adopted a striking pose upon our entry, almost preening himself like the extinct peacock.  The oil glistened from his skin, his hair shone in...

He looked up. His eyes blazed with warmth and something else... He was achingly aware of closely they sat pressed together.
The silence in the carriage grew thick, the air electric with unspoken longing....

++Error
++Error
++Diagnostic check
++Reboot
++Corruption – file deleted. External source, Blackthorne.

The bloody warning signal was going off constantly in my head now and driving me to distraction.  I was able to code a routine to wall of the warning to play ++you are the champion++ instead.  Just as annoying, after a while, I’m not sure I made the situation any better.

Interrogator Blackthorne is giving me a particularly evil smile, (another flash image of guacamole and a swing attached to the ceiling).  Lady B and Else both make idle remarks of our past mission, which I don’t recall.  They quickly pick up on the fact I’ve been mind scrubbed (not very well mind you) and taunt me ceaselessly.  While I may not remember specifics, I certainly remember my wit and banter and hurl back abuse as quickly as I receive.  It is then that I become aware of a rude (and crude) device Blackthorne has given to Lady B, a voice deactivator.  They thought they also had an immobliser as well, but that was Blackthorne playing silly buggers (damn this constant message, worse than tinnitus).

So I’m like a newbie now and being briefed with the new members.  Fabio the Gladiator, seemed more interested in applying scented oil to his well muscled and proportioned...

They stood side by side, like dancers preparing for a reel, yet scandalously close, they’d be barred for any decent assembly. He was achingly aware of his earthy male scent, the breadth of his shoulders, and the heat of his skin. His heart was racing, his face overwarm, and for once...

++Error
++Error
++Diagnostic check
++Reboot
++Corruption – file deleted. External source, Blackthorne.

Artwork from the internet so copyright to studio and original owners.

Major Armstrong from the series Full Metal Alchemist is my inspiration for the character Fabio.  I see him as a vain (not really) person, constantly looking for adoration and exposing his incredible physique to all to admire.  I'd suggest watching the series to see what I mean by the anime character as I attempt to reflect it in this RPG character.  Artwork from the internet so copyright to studio and original owners.

Right this is as you can see a tedious and difficult period of time for me as I recall, and recall I did these memories despite the attempts of the Inquisition to redact them.  Would you believe that I have the unhappy report in saying that it was EMMA who had stored the memories?  Not sure how or why, but she did, as did the other AI’s I encountered over time.  They have shielded my core memories allowing me to record these words and thought without fear of loss.  Thought I think ultimately the Inquisition just needs the record and can’t be bothered to do it themselves.

Horst the Hunter is stoic and pragmatic and thankfully does not seem to trigger any hidden files or corruption problems.  I can only assume it is due to the fact that he is from the Imperium and not a mutant like the other three people in this group.  Blackthorne has rather hypocritically named us Acolyte Group 43B, only earning an assignation from surviving the initial mission (which I can’t remember). 

The vessel that we have been sent to explore and retrieve and information from is called the Tear of Lost Dreams and is a Mass Conveyer Ship.  My diagnostics have been updated in the short time before being dispatched back (not that I recall going in the first place) to the Tear of Lost Dreams.   I have been upgraded with Medicae skills and Mechadendrite upgrades to assist in the operations.  There is I feel very little I cannot now perform to free myself from being controlled (there is an even louder voice this time, volume seems to be increasing).  My fellow inmates, because what else are we?  They all complain bitterly about not keeping items they had obtained in their previous mission.  I though was given a very old and venerable Omnissian Axe, which by it’s craftsmanship would be a in the hands of a Forgeworlds leading Priest, not some talented expert like myself.  However I feel I am certainly more worthy of it than some bureaucrat. 

The journey across to Tear of Lost Dreams is, as I’m told, similar to the previous.  The pilot made some money on betting, the mutants forget to get in on the take – only remembering about this after the lifter had left.

I checked the tracked servitor conveyance I had built and was pleased to find that there were some files locked securely away on remote secure platforms.  The servitor confirmed with me it was created and named by me Caterpillar Repository Artificially Propelled model ER-1, or CRAPpER-ONE though the mutants called it Matilda which it preferred for some reason?  The loading bay was the scene of some new carnage according to the previous mission members (don’t ask me, my memory tells me I wasn’t there – oh yes you were).  Lady B got excited and started dissecting the corpses, Else and Horst collected claws once they found the claws literally cut through floors, doors, walls and just about everything.  Fabio wandered off, I think he was looking for a mirror?  Eventually someone told him this area had been looted and he quickly lost interest and rejoined the group.

Oddly enough everyone had overlooked the cyber mastiff that Fabio had!  Yes C64, the faithful, old, patched, glitch ridden hound, which to amazement Fabio allowed me to interface with.  Its voice greeting was so old and corrupted that it sounded very much like “herro shaggy”? The look of horror on Lady B and Else’s face when they found out that I had linked with the AI bemused me (though I was on some level extremely pleased).  EMMA just hurdle nuggets of oil of faeces at me with unerring accuracy – nasty little beast.

Moving along we found the security room (again?) and I used the access codes to delve deeper into the system to obtain a greater level of schematics and data than previously known (as if I knew?).  Also within this location were the private security areas for the Lord, an armoury and training facility, trophy room with personal quarters, mechanicus techno area workshop, sleeping and entertainment area, library and an extensive hunting facility.  This was just one of four faction “lords” on this ship including the ship “overlord.  A deeper search of the computer found an encrypted file which I could not open but was able to download for later examination.

The group decided to further explore the new sections.  Else played silly buggers with EMMA and sent it through the ceiling to explore.  I was then requested to seal the holes in the ceilings, THEN Else remember that EMMA was still up there.  Of course it was MY fault that I acted so swiftly to do my job or interpret orders.  Honestly, any other time they complain about my tardiness supplying enough oil for whatever he and Fabio get up to?  Can’t please anyone these days.  

Rooms were searched.  Crew bunking quarters yielded nothing of interest that I saw (though I heard a rumour).  One room proved to be an armoury of sorts and yielded what we later knew to be Dark Matter Rifles, crates of unknown grenades, and several suits of archeotech carapace armour.  Horst tested the rifle in the hallway, just managing to hit the doorway (just) – punching a hole right through and continuing through some distance.  The grenades were not deemed risking testing yet, they were pocketed in small number for a later use (when in dire need – most likely a singing birthday or greeting card from the ancients meant to be a prank I’m sure.)  The carapace armour was a marvel and Horst was truly impressed, Lady B as well, Else would not touch it and Fabio had to be old it would fit him if he oiled up first (which he eagerly did with the assistance of Else).  These suits were to be of great assistance to the members, both in physical protection and in vision and communication.  Though the barbarians thought it still some form of magic, Horst was impressed, and was thinking of it’s worth in monetary gain.

We hit the jackpot!  One of the rooms contained a Robot, and my soul sang with joy as I raced to see if it would activate and accept my codes.  However that quickly turned to small amounts of consternation when it demanded coding I could not provide and which Lady B had.  Damn, yet another situation where another none Mechanicus gifted and talented individual is granted access to the gifts from the golden age of technology.  The room opposite proved to house another such robot and it was while I was determining its status we were disturbed by corrupted warp spawn or simply mutants.

The battle was two pronged and was in all ways the fault of EMMA who had its haste to flee the creature it had found brought them back to its master.  A swarm of small mutated humanoid stock came down towards where Lady B and I were attended the robots.  A huge mutant spawn had appeared from the docking area and was attempting to “ambush” the group from behind.  Horst, eagle eye and ready snapped off a shot and disintegrated one of what proved to be many heads on the mutant.  This magnificent display of marksmanship and hope of the weapons payload did not even slow the creature.  It did however speed it on even quicker. 

My maneuver to engage the smaller mutants proved to poor as my robe was caught on the robot and caused my gun arm to pull as I fired my gun, this in turn meant my shots went wild.  (When I replayed my archive footage many years later I discovered that the wild shots had accidently punctured the meltagun coils on the robot!) The robot that was protecting Lady B advanced out into the corridor and fired it meltagun down the corridor at the advancing mutants.  For some unknown reason (don’t look at me – I had nothing to do with it) the meltagun exploded catastrophically taking out large sections of decking around, above and below.  Lady B was protected by her Icon, I was protected by some other power that looks after those who can’t find it. I was thrown by the explosion across the decking into a corner where my cranial case was cracked and several capacitors blew causing...

++Error
++Error
++Diagnostic check
++Reboot
++System corrupted
++Source unknown
++Failed system reset

The fight with the larger mutant continued with more shots and blows being traded.  The explosion of the robot and the hole in the ship did not even daunt its morale.  Else engaged, hurting the beast, Horst continuing his pinpoint marksmanship only accidently hitting someone of no importance on purpose once, but then that proved to be just a precognition, and with an adjustment of his aim, the event did not happen.  The battle with the mutant was spectacular, my contribution heroic, the taunts and screams I hurled at it from the other side of the deep pit the robot had created was distracting the creature no end.  This allowed my fellow acolytes to finish the beast off in no time, of course it would have been quicker had I been able to been able to engage the beast in hand to hand, but the mighty Fabio was there posing after and before every swing – the beast stood no chance, it died in the end of an allergic reaction to body oil and sweat.

After this battle during which time some drugs were used, some people may have become addicted.  Some lives were saved; trained Medicae with equipment is now being shunned.  Alright the truth of the matter is I asked Fabio to take the IV drip marked XVLI and insert it into the catheter in Lady B.  It’s not my fault I did not know Fabio could not read and people, including Fabio had failed to tell me THIS VERY IMPORTANT FACT!  He inserted my machine oil cable instead an almost killed Lady B, hence her aversion to letting me heal her, actually nobody wants me to heal anybody or touch anything.  Yet nobody seems to be keen to do anything themselves much either, it’s as if they are cursed?

After this the group went back to the time honoured role of looting the rooms.  Some nice powered knives, some Dark Matter Pistols and Plasma fuel were found, which thankfully I did not manage to set off while resealing – though it would have been Fabio’s fault if it had!

Another Security Station was found with a jail containing a long dead Mechanicus prisoner.  I located the rooms secured contents safe and relieved it of its contents.  I found a dataslate, wand, machine parts, strange items, and cog necklace – which I promptly put on.  All hail me!  The terminal in the room is not on and powered, I found that the reason for this is that it was unplugged, I put the plug back in.  The terminal wiring proved to be faulty and extremely unstable. A powerful load of energy washed through me shutting down and overloading all my systems both machine and biological.

++System shut down
++Reboot
++Reboot
++Reboot
++Failed

Fabio has of course during this time been off looting as have all the others, my physical danger and impairment means little to them.  The mission protocols of keeping me alive and recording have obviously been forgotten.  During the course of the standard looting the group have found stasis boxes containing corpses of unidentified humanoids, which gets Lady B attention.  She drags the bodies off into a room and all that can be heard is the sound of cutting and meaty noises.  There may have even been the sound of slurping followed by a huge burp, but I shall have to replay my audio to confirm that once back online properly.

Eventually someone remembers me and comes to my assistance, rendering me the assistance and respect, believe it or not is was Lady B.  She helps with the recovery of my biological system, though I fear she may have tampered with something while I was distracted with my diagnostics.  Will run further tests shortly to determine nature of invasive healing process.  It was at this time I realised that some things had changed in my nature, all for the better or worse!

First, that incessant ++you are being watched++ had stopped, total no more.  That and the fact I had just spoken it aloud.  Secondly, I immediately shut up, which of course Lady B heard.  I immediately set up routines to set vocal levels to zero for thoughts patterns and to normal level for recognised speech.  I have a secret now, it must be kept.

However while this was happening and on Lady B and I returning to the rest of the group, they had found another “body” in the box.  This body proved to be a very important body and one that I would have been very keen to have been present when awakened.  I’m sure that awakening, if that is the correct word and finding Fabio pointing a gun at you in issuing pointed threats is far from a charming greeting.  Yet she did not feel threatened in the least, she was aghast at the sight of me.  She proved to be the equivalent of the Fabricator General for the Mass Conveyor Ship.  Other information I gleaned from the others later that the STC were located towards the spine of the ship.  That there was a rebellion onboard the ship and that she was placed in stasis, though by who and for what reason is unknown. Sons of the End were mentioned, I assume they are the rebel faction? She agreed with my assessment that the Mechanicus had devolved since her time was indeed accurate.  Fabio’s continued threatening with the gun caused her to point her finger at his weapon and disassemble it before everyone’s eyes.  Whereupon she informed to no one in particular she had business elsewhere, and vanished in a haze.  This technology I did not even have a hint of knowing, but I was certainly keen to know about. 

The party then went about looting as per usual with my assistance opening doors, however the damage I had sustained from the power overload had severely compromised my systems so I advised that I was going to go to the servitor workshop near the docking port to attempt repairs.  If there were any catastrophic explosions then that would most likely be me, failing is some simple task.  My motto “The Impossible I can do, simple is a fuck up”.  So the impossible I perform beyond the wildest dreams.  I have repaired my system to full operational status, all bugs and glitches have been removed, and that tinnitus problem is gone for good.  This takes me some time during which the rest of the group do what they do best – LOOT.

As you may be aware this fellow acolytes are motivated not by any higher moral codes of devotion to a greater good but to that of greed and advancement.  Certainly Lady B and Else have shown that, I have not observed Horst or Fabio long enough to know better.  Looting is by far the only time I see them enjoy themselves with such gay abandon, though Fabio and Else seem to exhibit that without much prodding.

Looting, right.  Else being the ever inquisitive bugger (literally) found a hidden framework that lead into the storage hanger section.  There the greedy sods first sighed loudly in joy, then passed squirts of body fluid of fear as they saw the Iron Men that stood inside.  Horst being from the Hive Worlds was not overly troubled but was certainly in awe at what was packed into this area.  Four large cargo containers, eight Iron Men and a wheeled vehicle of a configuration he had never seen before.  It took some time before the entire group was able to muster and enter this section of the ship.  That is the Hero, that is ME had rejoined the group after having fixed all his problems and made them go away.  Need I say there was a definite spring in my suspension?

The first cargo container was stacked with datalslates that had me pocket some and a couple on CRAPpER-ONE.  A quick scan indicated a processing capacity twenty times what the Mechanicus currently used, even that used on the Inquisitors ship.  

The next container held tomes, books and dataslates.  Very interesting, will investigate if time permits.

The third container held bars of platinum, which I knew immediately, Horst had to scratch him head and think about but the other three mutants had no idea what they were – well apart that they were a metal of some sort.

The final container was a treasure trove and proved to be the personal effects of the Lord.  They were some mummified dogs, a strange table and device with straps and wires, an eagle which activated and attached itself to Lady B (same as EMMA and the mastiff to Fabio).  There was a mechanical spider that activated and leapt at me, but it emitted binaric coding that soothed any warning alarms my system could emit and it impaled itself into my chest and lodged onto my ribcage.  I could feel it working itself into my biomechanical systems, but could not determine exactly what was being done.  Yet my systems were not registering alarms or system breaches that would compromise security or integrity.  I was able to identify the device as being made by the presumed extinct Jokaero, as their symbol or maker was located on it.

Found weird personal effects?  Ancestor in urn.  A box with an antique monocle. Mechanical eye on a stand.  Chest of jewelry.  Antique watch (Seko). Pair of duelling pistols. A strange bone knife with metal weaved through it.  Cigars.  Skull encased in gold. Pair of alligator shoes. Dagger with translucent metal blade. Tome titled Weird and Wonderful. Ring (Security). Cherub with wings (activates only for Lady B – sings her praises constantly, extremely annoying asked for it to be put back in box, no one objected).

The group started to see what items may be of use to each other.  Horst took the mechanical eye from the stand and we stood transfixed in horror as the eye shot a tendril into Horsts eye and plucked it out. I then travelled along the tendril reassembling itself to become a replacement eye in Horsts head. I collected Horsts discarded eye and sealed it in a medical container for safe keeping, you never know when he may need a replacement at some point in the future, or maybe someone else...  The shock though to his system of this process was I would guess like my power overload, so I made him comfortable, made sure the others didn’t steal his boots or belongings.  Planted several incriminating items on him just in case I needed a scapegoat in the future, hey you never know?

Time ripples occur and my record keeping is out of order.  The Monocle discovered and that Horst uses in conjunction with his mechanical eye (hoping it might pair) proves to be an X-Ray capable viewing object. However the one use depletes it power, I am pressed into service to repower the device.  I am rather hesitant to perform this action based on the ill luck the group has been “blessed” with since setting foot back on this ship.  However I have given assurances that I had every reasonable chance to safely power the device.  Clearly reasonable is not in fates dictionary as the device blew up with extraordinary vindictiveness.  It was then that I discovered that my spider provided a power field, it sapped considerable reserves, but considering the excess power absorbed from the previous explosion I was not hurt, just surprised and disturbed.

Artwork from the internet so copyright to studio and original owners.

Artwork from the internet so copyright to studio and original owners.

The looting continues through the containers.  I discover a cube with intricate circuitry which as I hold it up to exam, activated the spider.  It absorbs the cube into its structure and then moves to my back where it starts another process of integration.    I also find a book in old earth Germanic Die Hun Shandt (or something like that, the cryptography is a bit off at present).

Fabio finds a prize that will keep him forever happy, a mirror that tells him how handsome and beautiful he is – or was it Lady B who found it?  I can’t remember all I do recall is the cat fight and name calling as determined who had ownership of the talking mirror of vanity.  Personally I see it as warp tainted and would have had it destroyed, but only after having examined it thoroughly.  Perhaps a helmet made of this mirror could be useful?    Fabio did find a rapier hilt that extended a power field which formed a blade.  I did attempt to get him to hold the hilt facing him with the expectation the blade extended from the hilt, but the weapon trained warrior was to canny to fall for my ruse and prank.  He also found a bag of metal marbles (35 in all), which we found out later was some form or nanite healing device. Lady B found a dataslate in old latin but failed to show me it, I heard it discussing it with the others.  I shall have to do something about have a look at it.

Lady B hopes that she can activate the Iron Men by coming into proximity of them, but they fail to activate.  She finds out from the eagle or PARROT as it is now called, that the power source has been depleted from these units and that they are currently inoperable. I then question whether the power cells we secured from the robots might be usable with the Iron Men, but they prove incompatible.  A debate rages over whether or not to activate the other robot, but considering the disastrous success of the last one it was decided to leave it inert.

Horst regains consciousness and rejoins society a better man so he tells us stating the exact dimensions of Lady B, her cup and dress size.  He is given a dressing down by Lady B as he’s told that her cup size is at least two larger than he quoted and that she is two sizes smaller than he said for dresses.  Clearly the device he had implanted in his skull is defective.  The glare she is giving him though could strip varnish from wooden surfaces.  Horst though pushes ahead and asks about the vehicle, can she access entry.  Lady B says yes, and the party enter the vehicle expecting it to be inert.  

At this point there is a ripple in the fabric of the time space continuum in which we see Horst press every button on the console, hoping to see the vehicle come to life.  Well the vehicle did come to life, weapon system activated and fired the missile launcher at the Iron Men, destroying all but 3, the Lord’s personal effects went up in smoke, there was much weeping and gnashing teeth.  Thankfully I had nothing to do with this, and after the god of fate was pointed out to the worthwhile Horst the hole was plugged and reality was restored.

Horst bit back his impulse to slap every button he could see.  He turned around to see me glaring at him and shaking my head; he got the message and took his hands away from the console.  Sighed a relief, put his hands in his pockets only to pull one of them out holding a Class One Prohibited Item.  He swore profusely, and quickly pocketed it, mind you, in another pocket that I hadn’t seen before!
Lady B had found out through her PARROT that the vehicle had a name, and that name was Francine.  Francine, really, of all names for such an honourable and ancient vehicle this was the best her creators could give her.  I’ll have to fix that.  

The door to the main hanger has been opened and we explore a part way in.  A body is located and while the others are unfamiliar with it I know the creature as an Orc.  One of the greenskin race that plague the universe.  It is now that the group, particularly the mutants are getting concerned about the lack of communication from the Inquisitors ship. They have been trying for some time now to contact the ship; I certainly am not keen to return.  Nor am I keen to try this Dropship that they have found located in another hanger, which none of the group can pilot.

At some point through the constant conversations the group directed me to interface with the vehicle.  I saw this as an impossible task, now what did I say about my motto “the impossible I can do!” The link was unbelievably perfect; I don’t know whether it was the Jokaero implant or that it was my superiority that enabled this perfect linking of machine spirit and Mechanicus mind.  Our minds were meshed; it was as though Wolf of Iron had been waiting eons for the right mind interface to unlock its full potential.  I was able to unlock schematics, routes throughout the ship, information that would have taken hours to obtain was now at my finger tips, or actually mind impulse.  It was beautiful, and I was lost in a world that not even the Forgeworld could have given me.

With the vehicles activation somewhere on this ship there was another presence that was directing creatures of malevolence towards us.  Wolf of Iron woke me from my reverie “anomalous life forms approaching from direction 265 degree ship rotation bow-wards, speed 10km/ph, ETA 3 minutes”. I advised the group, we agreed to back the Wold of Iron back to allow its missiles ample kill zones, however it advised me there was no need, it had another way to destroy the target and to leave the mission to her.  I left targeting acquisition and firing in its control and waited while the group anxiously awaited the arrival of the enemy.  They soon arrived, a large brute with a number of smaller creatures similar to those we had encountered in our first mission (did I tell you I had recovered my first mission memories – cunning aren’t I).  Unknown and unseen to us, Wolf of Iron had activated the internal crane system and secured a cargo container of plasma fuel.  It then dropped with decent accuracy the container on the lead element creatures, canisters of fuel spilling from the ruptured hulls.  The vehicle rocked ever so slightly as a missile streaked into fuel, detonating the load and immolating the entire group.  I praised Wolf of Iron over our link, and it hummed with appreciation and admiration that someone had come for it.  Wolf of Iron was active, and it would not stand down.  I also will not willingly leave Wolf of Iron, our link is personal now.  I have very little understanding of these matters, I shall have to study and investigate.  However I feel and kinship here I do not feel with the others in this group.

With the creatures eliminated the discussions return to where to go.  Still can’t raise the Interrogator (good), so the group decide to go straight to the Overlords hold in the ship.  Wolf of Iron states it cannot enter that section of the ship.  It only has protocols for this Lord or Ladies holding.  There are no other entry points.  It displays a variety of troops available to the Overlord for his/her defence, they include a Knight Titan. I persuade the group that it is in their best interest that a frontal assault is suicide.  Finally a journey is decided to be made to the ship Enginerium to talk (that is I have to do the talking and most likely get my mind fried).

Wolf of Iron reveals it has provisions on board but they are high end goods and only enough for 2 days.  The journey is 17.2 km to the Enginerium, so I advise the group to return to the docking bay to collect sufficient food and water in the event of any delays.  Always plan for the worse is my motto.  They set off and as a prank I park Wolf of Iron around the corner out of sight.  As to whether this is for the better I’m unsure for as the group return an actual creature of the warp enters real space.  Wolf of Iron advises me it cannot lock onto the target, though it can detect it.  Firing might be difficult; however Missiles might be a problem with collateral damage to all concerned.

Daemons though have dangers associated with them and two members of the group fall prey the mind wrenching horror they inflict.  Horst cannot help but feel sick at the creature’s appearance and starts to vomit uncontrollably – this is not helped with having a sealed helmet on.  Fabio faints at the sight of a creature more beautiful than him while Lady B and Else do their best to combat the creature.  During this brutal and to be honest one sided combat I have backed up Wolf of Iron to retrieve CRAPpER-ONE and prepare to load on survivors and flee for our lives.  I did not see the actual battle but I witnessed it results.  Else was stark naked, the creature had used its whip to strip his armoured protection from him as though he was a crustacean for the eating.  However, at this point something happened the creature had retreated back to warp.  I now have some deep suspicions about these mutants, just how tainted with the warp are they?  Can they be trusted allies, or merely tools to be used and expended against the eternal war against the warp?  Truly Horst seems the only human one amongst this group, but even I can see I small glint of madness in his eyes.

++Personal Encrypted Journal++
Well the excrement has hit the fan.  The Interrogator will be taking a number of actions now.  She will think that from the huge multimelta explosion and subsequent link damage I and the party have suffered damage and casualties.  With the huge power overload, and the complete severance of the link and my repair and restoration (thanks to my crafty and paranoid backups) the Interrogator will believe I am dead and that the group is also the same.  Especially seeing that no communication is coming in or out.  However I know that she is not that sort of person and I expect that she will send a kill team in to retrieve whatever we have found.  Why? Because she expects me to be duplicitous, it’s my nature.  I wanted to be free, it was and always is my driving modus operandi.  She knows that unless there is a body, I’ve gone rogue, and in a ship with this technology I’m a threat.  Can I trust these people though?  I know Wolf of Iron will defend me, though she also has protocols for Lady B.  Who knows, the future is unknown.  All I know is that I’m in danger now, I can’t go back no matter what.
++End Encrypted Journal++

Sunday, June 3, 2018

Four Against Darkness


This is my latest "addiction" at present and what a captivating game this is.  Many long time readers and people who know me will be aware that I spend about 95% of my time at home.  I get an occasional visitor (gamer), but for the majority of my time I am left to my own devices.  I have a fair number of games that are solo and are quite good, but the set up and take down times compared to this little gem are quite different in scale.  In 4AD I can set up in less than a minute where with a traditional board game I probably still trying to get the box off the shelf, onto the table, opening it and just getting the contents out!

The game gives you enough scope to play with, which is what I want.  I've been a GM for many years, since the 70's actually and I remember the very early days of silliness of a 10 by 10 room stuffed with monsters and treasures without comprehending the dimensions at the time!  The game hearkens back to a simple time of just wandering the halls, encountering naughty creatures begging to be exterminated in the name of whatever greater cause you believe in, or you just happen to be bloodthirsty hooligans.  

I have just recently finished my first 20 adventures playing the standard monsters in the first book shown above.  Then I became aware of Fiendish Foes, so I propose that the next 20 adventures will be filled with the creatures and treasure generated from those tables.  I have in those first 20 adventures cycled through a fair number of characters, lost a few, and have now some at level 4, but have all the characters (classes if you like) that are available.  Yippee!  So it's onward, and awaiting more releases.

I posted a video on YouTube to celebrate my 20 Adventures and spread the word of this marvelous game. I noticed a few comments on other platforms asking about the printing and such of my rule books so I will now explain my set up.

The A5/20 Ring Binder
For starters I obtained my 4AD as PDF files and printed them on my home printer (rather expensive in the long run).  I used the option of booklet and double sided printing which meant that an A4 page could be cut down the center and placed into the plastic pockets I had obtained.  Originally I have folded the pages and attempted to staple the lot, but the thickness of the booklet was too much was a standard office type stapler.

A5 Clear Pocket
This is the heart of keeping everything together for my booklets.  Works well.  In Australia we have a chain recently opened (well it's been here a few years now) called Daiso, sort of like a 100 Yen shop.  Everything is AUS$2.80 (mostly), so for a small outlay I have been able to house my rules in a nifty folder and plastic sleeves, helps when you have a liking for chocolate coated peanuts.

The Grid Book
Where would you be without the grid book to create your dungeon(s).  I wanted to be able to store and record my dungeons I created.  Very cheap AUS$1.60, so I can record 48 dungeons in total before moving on to the next one.

Adventure #20 By this time I had run out of names...
I have recorded the details of each dungeon and I'm typing them up and intend to paste them on the left hand side of the dungeon to record the number of monsters encountered in total, treasure obtained, character advancements achieved or failed etc.  Yes I am that anal I guess when it comes to record keeping.

So for those who are reading this for the first time and have not seen my amateur video production, you can find the link to the lavish production below!

VIDEO LINK HERE

Till next time.

The Hon. John

Saturday, June 2, 2018

This Scale is Broken Challenge Week #11

I have returned to losing weight!

Starting Weight: 231.49lb
Previous Weeks Weight: 218.26lb
This Weeks Weight: 216.05lb
Total weight lost: 15.44lb
Percentage: 6.7

LOST:  2.21lb


So I'm back on the bandwagon thanks to my gut wrenching medication!

VIDEO REPORT HERE

Saturday, May 26, 2018

This Scale is Broken Challenge Week #10

I have put my foot in it this time.  I've put the weight on, but still under 100kg.

Starting Weight: 231.49lb
Previous Weeks Weight: 214.95lb
This Weeks Weight: 218.26lb
Total weight lost: 13.23lb
Percentage: 5.7

GAINED:  3.31lb

What happened?  I had stopped taking some of my medication.  I find that at times I need to be able to be free of the constraints that medication place on me, and of course I just can't afford to fill the scripts (which is the primary reason in most cases).  I'm back on the tablets, so I'm hoping that I'll shed the souls I've consumed and return to a lower weight by next weigh in... here's hoping.

WEEKLY VIDEO REPORT is here for those that wish to view it.

Till next time.

The Hon. John

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

My Top 5 Games as of May 2018

I recently (yes it was today) looked at BGG and reviewed their list against the games I owned.  Here are the top 20 games I own and the ranking that BGG gave them (at the time).

01. Gloomhaven (BGG-R#1)
02. Twilight Struggle (BGG-R#4)
03. Terraforming Mars (BGG-R#5)
04. Star Wars: Rebellion (BGG-R#6)
05: Scythe (BGG-R#7)
06: Viticulture (BGG-R#19)
07: Arkham Horror: The Card Game (BGG-R#20)
08: Mansions of Madness: 2nd Edition (BGG-R#21)*
09: Blood Rage (BGG-R#23)
10: A Feast for Odin (BGG-R#30)
11: Robinson Crusoe: Adventures on the Cursed Island (BGG-R#36)
12: Eldritch Horror (BGG-R#46)
13: Race for the Galaxy (BGG-R#50)
14: Lords of Waterdeep (BGG-R#51)
15: El Grande (BGG-R#55)
16: Clank! A Deck-Building Adventure (BGG-R#61)
17: Battlestar Galactica: The Board Game (BGG-R#62)
18: Star Wars: X-Wing Miniatures Game (BGG-R#6)
19: Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective: The Thames Murder & Other Cases (BGG-R#66)**
20: Santorini (BGG-R#74)

Notes: BGG-R#x = Board Game Geek - Rating Number
* I own only the first edition of Mansions of Madness but have included it as owned anyway.
** I own the other editions (including the original releases), so have included this as one owned.

My top five games however do not reflect the top 20 games as ranked by BGG.  My tastes and preferences are different and what I want to play first and foremost will reflect me as a person.  Here is my top five games of choice.

01: Lords of Waterdeep
02: Twilight Struggle
03: Viticulture
04: Eldritch Horror
05: A Feast for Odin

So there you have it.

I've included a link to my YouTube video HERE, it may explain why I have chosen these as my top five.

Till next time.

The Hon. John

Saturday, May 19, 2018

This Scale is Broken Challenge Week #9

Well it has been a week of to many appointments and to many stops at shopping centres and the temptation of chocolate coated peanuts.  My visit to the Necromancer was good and my corpse continues to shuffle along a while longer, my status of advancing to Liche must not be to far off!

Starting Weight: 231.49lb
Previous Weeks Weight: 213.84lb
This Weeks Weight: 214.95lb
Total weight lost: 16.54lb
Percentage: 7.1

GAINED:  1.1lb

My weekly video for This Scale is Broken Challenge Week #9 can be found HERE

Till next time.

The Hon. John

Sunday, May 13, 2018

The Fabricated Tales of Alpha Capharius Part One


The Fabricated Tales 
of 
Alpha Capharius DC-12-9/5/9/ZT5F412A0

Yes dear reader I am thankfully able to retain my fully humanised portion of my brain and am able to communicate with the wit and charm that is custom to many holo-novels that grace the cubicle receptacles of any good waste recycling repository.  These are my memoirs that have not been redacted or censored by my superiors or the Inquisition as I have buried them deep within my core memory inside a heavily coded and protected sectioned processor.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++1H4T-78G/76HH56++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject in unaware that his neural network has been compromised at this point.  
Worm implanted.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What can I say about Core Theta, if there was a Forge World that was most likely to be awarded the best and brightest, then – Core Theta won... ten millennia ago.  Today it is a creaking machine that punishes any creativity, any thought that is not the same as the thought that was before is erased and censured. I - and this was my problem, I viewed myself always as an individual, not part of the great machine and this made me enemies and made me in turn come to despise and ultimately dislike the great undertaking. I could not waste anything, I constantly hoarded everything, and as such I was seen as someone that many would come to for items that might be viewed as contraband.  Yet if it was discarded in the first place and forgotten in the past, how can it be contraband, which is how I argued it to my superiors.  It was while I was being examined yet again for such an incident that the Inquisition came for me. 

I had heard of them, read about them, but was not really prepared for them.  Curiosity was what drove me, and I saw the potential of leaving this dreary world of insects and emerging into a universe of greater knowledge.  This excited me more than any potential of being executed as a heretic.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++1H4T-78G/7U7YS2++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject needs neural bomb implanted with mnemonic trigger.  
Careful monitoring needs to be made, vigilance at all times.  
Equipment and person to be regularly searched at random intervals.  
Suspect heresy, but expect great potential as an operative.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So began my new life in the employ of the Inquisition, my past life was nothing now, filed away in a locked partition, in a disused portion of my memory with a sign saying “beware of the leopard squirrel”.  ++EMMA++ I should describe myself at this stage.  I am of optimal height, being 1.8 metres in height, my weight is variable depending on my augmetics so I shall not list it.  I have not body hair, that having been lost due to radiation exposure, what flesh I have remaining is pale, Caucasian tone and with the implants gives off a metallic smell.  My eyes were replaced with lenses which is such a convenience over soft flesh.  I keep the mummified remains along with my testicles as good luck totems.  I am though, which I am proud to announce, a fully functioning male, which many a partner has testified to.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++1H4T-3/D34/448Y+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject to be tested at maximum pain threshold plus fifty percent initial, then increase in increments of ten.  To be determined at a time of convenience and ship board rotation.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I was escorted to the shuttle which left the planet of Core Theta and docked with a ship class of which I am still to this moment unable to classify.  My companions (whom I shall eventually introduce) called it “big”, which was an understatement.  It was clearly as large as an Emperor designated class ship, though I suspect otherwise, I could not find anything within my data files that could classify it.  The ship was curiously new, unlike most Imperial ships, which I confess I have had little interaction with.  Standard Imperial ships tend to show their age, like much of the Imperium, rust, constant repair, malfunction sections, pooling water, and vapours.  These things were not evident on this ship.  Clearly whoever I was now in the employ of had power, power to control manufactories which produced recent material, more likely more reliable systems than those millennia in operation.  This was clearly going to be a fascinating time, if I lived long enough.

My quarters were spacious compared to my last; there was an excellent and well equipped machine shop and fabricating area in which I could create to my greatest wish as I was informed.  All my requests though had to be routed though through the Inquisitor or Mistress as she was to be addressed as when in her presence.  Not long after being settled I was taking into the primary medicae/fabricate and given a number of medications and upgrades, some obvious, some I am only now becoming aware of.  The unwelcome ones I will have to do something about to circumvent in time.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++1H4T-3-4G8/7HJK++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject to be memory wipe of this awareness.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Where was I?  Eventually I discovered I had been given some marvellous upgrades, my optics improved, a servo harness attached and my personal hand gun upgraded (and warned not to lose it, a lot of these warning were to be given over the lifetime of our association).  My flesh may be diminishing, but my machine is fully operational.  Every time I see the electrical catalogue now some part of machine spirit comes erect with pleasure.

Time passes on the ship and I find that there are other operatives with whom I will have to interact with from time to time.  I am restricted to certain sections of the ship; generally a bully boy brain dead naval guard shoves a boarding gun in my face and demands I go back the other way.  How rude is my response, how rude.  My quarters have another door which leads to a central chamber, where I meet the Mistress and two other operatives.  One is a female, dressed in what she assumes is fine fashion, the other a male hillbilly huntsman with enough hair to make a sheep blush in envy.  We all eye each other suspiciously, yet a word of command from the Mistress and we lose all immediate animosity towards each other.

Mistress explains to us that we have journey some time to a find another star ship which has a tie with the noble house of the girl she identifies as Belle.  I have pointed out to me the noble looking woman that seems almost borderline mutant by Imperial codification, but who am I to judge, I’m not strictly human anymore either.  Mistress hands Belle a device which I know as a Field Generator or Power Field, a very rare and valuable piece of technology.  This device she tells Belle is a copy, and the original has been returned to her father (for some reason I feel this may not be the full truth, to me the device looks like it’s the original and daddy has the copy). 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++1H4T-3-4G8/7SRT++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject to be memory wipe of this awareness.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What’s wrong with my memory at the moment I’m losing my train of thought? Right, Belle has been given her device, which will apparently allow her to access areas of the ship.  Well it’s theorised it will.  We have been informed that the first to shuttles that approached were destroyed by the ships defence platforms.  Not comforting words to hear.  A third shuttle did however get through but no further communication has been received.  We are now being sent over to investigate. 

Supplemental Data: The ship was a pre-Heresy colony ship.  The ship has four sectored areas, each seeming to align to the realms of the primitive planet the two other operatives have come from.  There is scoring on the outer hull of the ship which I have identifies as being consistent with an attack from a possible Tyranid bio-organism of type unknown.

Our primary mission is to investigate the ship and why it is still powered and functioning.  Secondly we are to find and locate any materials or the person of Lord Thalaneus Delmarus (though I may not have decoded the phonetic spelling correctly from Mistresses vocal patterns).  Mistress also gave the two members accompanying me additional orders that my head was to be brought back at all costs.  I had internal diagnostic alarms from several systems go off at once alerting me to potential danger and I made the Mistress aware of her poor choice of wording to this command.  She smiled a particularly wicked grin as she corrected he instructions with minimal intent.  This did not on the whole leave me with a lot of confidence in my companions who were already sizing my head up.  Being bald does have its advantages!

Hang on; something is wrong with my cogitator.  The other member of the team!  That male gothic rocker with the long hair and bad halitosis which would kill a tyranid at twenty paces.  Yes well he is called Christopher Robins, no... Chris Rock... definitely something wrong with my cogitators. Well I shall call him – Edna... something definitely wrong with my

>run diagnostics

> error corruption

> error corruption – root diagnostics

[background singing “he’s a lumberjack and he’s OK... dresses in women’s clothing... wears high heels... just like his mother”]

>reboot successful

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++1H4T-22/PO/WE4+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject susceptible to too many surveillance incursions, 
reduce level to category tertiary and monitor.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Christopher is the other member of the team and identified himself as a lonely hunter, but appears to be a lumberjack.  Spotted a number of women’s apparel tucked away in his backpack, clearly living alone in the woods has produced an interesting behaviour pattern.

Both team members while they have been mem-implanted with imperial scholastic basic knowledge and some training are still primitives.  I am finding it very hard not to have fun at their expense in the coming months if not years at their ignorance.

Mistress provides us with a tracked servitor to assist me (yes me) in carrying any items that may be acquired in our investigation.  I should point out that I created this marvellous device in my workshop, it is an exceptional piece of equipment and only stopped working when Lumberjack Chris (hereafter referred to as LC or Elsie) touched it, not through any shoddy work on my behalf.  My work is par excellence, and always will be.  I donned a fine Mechanicus style robe which I had armoured up for body protection.  I travel light, so to speak, while the natives went packed to the teeth with more weapons than a porcupine.

As a group we entered the shuttle that would ferry us to the mystery ship.  Space travel is still new to us and I for one regurgitated my last meal, which I then re-consumed – waste not is my motto.  This act seemed to distress some on board, I can’t understand why, the paste nutrient is perfectly edible not matter it state.  The pilot proved to be an utter bastard though and clearly pulled a few more manoeuvres to get a few more vomits from the passengers – some wager was being made.  Elsie made note of the pilots name, I don’t think he will enjoy his ministrations when we get back.

We approached the target.  Sweat trickled down the pilots face, and his body tensed – finally he relaxed as we passed some line in the sand which was the previous danger zone.  So we weren’t part of the previously destroyed two shuttles now.  We just had to make sure we did not become the non-communicative third shuttle. 

Slowly we approached and the pilot found us a docking port, which slowly activated.  The pilot indicated that it appeared to be malfunctioning to some degree as certain ship activities had not been automatically activated.  For instance when the airlock opened to the vacuum, much of the contents inside the area not secured was sucked into space.  Eventually the bay doors open allowing the shuttle to enter and activate the seals.

Once the seal was in place, the pilot told us that a shuttle would come back for us, when the Mistress decided a shuttle would be sent back.  I guess we should have asked for more explicit questions before leaving.  We were then also told we had to bring the tracked servitor back as well – or else.  The or else had me a bit worried.  This whole mission was starting to have my diagnostics send alarm warnings to many of my hyper alert systems and many of my mechadentrites were twitching in agitation.

Supplemental Data: During our travel inbound to target to icon which Lady B was wearing heated up at one point in the journey then went stone cold.  My diagnostics noted that were was a signal broadcast from the item, but I was unable to adequately locate the frequency or replay the data to any satisfaction.

The pilot gave us a very short period of time to clear the landing bay before he exited, so we had to scramble to the “relative” safety of the loading area.  Thankfully the area was empty with the exception of shipping containers, fuel drums and storage boxes.  Nothing was moving, I could make out no immediate threat in the vicinity, not that my sensors were primed at that stage to do so.  A debate ensued as to what our course of action should be?  Looting became the primary focus.  I won’t bore you with the details suffice it to say we found riches beyond a richest mans dreams and lost it at the sound of the Mistress’ voice coming from the tracked servitor.  Before I come to that; there was just a little bit of excitement.

I was tasked with opening one of the sealed shipping containers while the others were about the environment.  One of them, not me mind you, must have triggered an alarm.  It certainly was not me and my unfamiliarity of ten thousand year old technology that cause the alarm to go off – certainly not.  I pointed my finger at Elsie and accused him of have tripped some security mechanism.  Elsie ran to the only door he could see leading in, that we had not entered into and waited to for whatever was going to come in. 

The door hissed opened and in clanked a desiccated looking servitor of a model I was certainly not familiar with.  It thankfully blurted in binary as well as a form of gothic the primitives could understand, it was demanding authorisation and clearance to be in this area, failure to do so would result in the summoning of security and lethal force.  We failed to convince it that we should be in this area and panicked. Well, the primitives panicked, I remained calm, thought logically and deduced that the icon Lady B had needed to recharge.  I was a walking battery, I could easily recharge this device.  Well that was easily said than done, AC to DC is all I can say, nearly fried us both but we or I got it to work and as the gun servitor arrived to mow everyone down in a hail of large calibre bullets Lady B commanded them to stand name.  Disaster averted, for the moment.

A small reprieve was granted and it was back to looting.  Inside one of the shipping containers was a sectors worth of riches in rejuve drugs, not the risky stuff produced today but the pure pre-Heresy stuff.  It was at this time I became aware that I was wired for sight back to the mother ship.  A crackling vox contact was heard advising that a shuttle was inbound and that the goods found would be immediately collected, we had proven our worth to the Inquisition.  We were told well done.  We decided to continue to open the remaining containers and boxes.  A huge surprise was the stasis stored concubine, she was bound to serve the lord of the house, which was in this case Lady B.  This did not bother the concubine at all as to the sex of her master or mistress.  Elsie was getting rather hot under the collar and a bit stiff at the sight of an extremely scantily clad courtesan of the time.  Didn’t bother me in the least, though my pict recorder was working overtime.

It happened at this time that the servitor advised Lady B that a mass of Xenos were approaching this room at great speed and would be inside the room in moments.  Another gun servitor had appeared, which gave us three servitors to block the narrow corridor, hopefully giving us enough time to prepare ourselves of the alien onslaught.  It was at this time a debate ensued of the word Xenos, the primitives did not know the word.  Combat ensued, during which I was sent to see if the containers could be opened from the inside – they could.  I advised Elsie that hiding behind promethium drums would be detrimental to one’s health if they exploded.  Again had to explain the concept of explosions to the primitive mind!  The gun servitors died horribly, then the concubine (a trained bodyguard) and the servitor (unknown configuration) ripped the other Xenos to pieces.  Battle over it was back to looting, which everyone was more than happy to do over killing things.  Combat is such a risky thing; you might actually get hurt or worse die!

The search found the first clue to Lord Thalaneus Delmarus, in a trunk of books.  I was looking elsewhere at the time, which is how I found out that there was an audio pickup in the feed link to the Inquisitor.  I am really going to have to do something about this imposition on my freedom, or earn enough trust that she will remove them in time.  I hope.  Lady B got greedy and stuffed two random books away hoping that the Mistress would not know about the theft.  We also found some grenades which we found with some lovely colours on them.  No idea what the pattern means, my sensors are showing warning signals, so I’ll leave them alone for the moment.  My whole creed of waste not came to the fore as I secured a crate load of old data slates of porn.  The concubine showed Lady B one of the slates and said she would be more than happy to teach if she so desired, it just required a very supple body.  I found the jackpot animated tentacle masterpiece Debbie Does the Ommnisiah which is often whispered about, everyone has claimed to have seen but no one has ever actual produced an actual copy.  I now had one! Oh what I could make in prestige in finding this piece of lost data would be priceless!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++1H4T-F/34/56ZXR ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject is the greatest threat to the Mechanicus I have come across to date.  
The lost animated data slate alone would do such irreparable damage to the collective systems of the Mechanicus it is best that the slate remain in my personal archive sealed for my own research purposes.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

While we were heaping the goodies together for the Mistress, we heard the shuttle arrive in another docking port, and by the sounds of it a much large one from the one we entered.  Not long after that the goon squad of happy’s arrived in advance of a power armoured female.  The armoured warrior revealed themself to be the Mistress, who again congratulated us on securing the previous items.  A heavy loading servitor came in and collected all the items in the area, everything, including my collection of special data slates. The Mistress was giving me very strange when I asked that the crate load of data slates be given over to me and she gave me a very serious warning look not to press my luck.  She looked at Lady B and demanded the two books she had hidden and an explanation why she had decided to keep them from her.  Satisfied with her answer, she did not kill Lady B, which surprised me almost as much as it did Lady B for the trickle of urine running down her leg must have been just from her urgency to use the facility than through any fear of death.

Our instructions were to continue our investigations. Clear this section and await extraction upon her clearance.  Again I heard the words her clearance and instructions, sounded like we could ask for extraction and it could be denied. Not very comforting.

It was back to what we were good at, exploring, missing clues, interpreting data incorrectly and of course me messing with Elsie!  We discovered a workshop with bits and scrap, clearly an assembly and maintenance area for servitors.  Elsie did a search, didn’t know any of the items he picked up.  He found a screw driver and asked me what it was, I decided to have some fun with him.  I said it was a swizzle stick.  He asked what a swizzle stick was?  I said that they next time the Mistress asked him to her quarter he should use the swizzle stick, and I made suggestive movements with it.  It was again at this point I realised that all of this was being transmitted back through the link to the Mistress.  I’m screwed I thought, well and truly screwed when we get back on board.  I managed to get a data terminal working a pulled up the layout of the immediate area.  The security area was where we decided to go and have a look.  That proved to be a big mistake!

The security area, well, it turned out to be a locker room.  I used my cutting tools to open the first locker and activated a knock out grenade taking out Lady B and myself.  Elsie seeing this happen beat a hasty retreat from a gas of unknown origin and went investigating.  He found a treasure trove of items which quite frankly should have come into the hands of a person of the Mechanicus.  However fate had chosen him to be the bearer of the items, so perhaps the items comes with some curse that is best left to those who deserve them.  Quite a booty he collected, an Omnissiah Axe, Laslock pistol, Security ring and wand, the list goes on.  The one thing he did get that is the most galling is an Artificial Intelligent Automation in the form of a squirrel.  Once Lady B and I were back on our feet and met this beast, it took an immediate dislike to me, and I to it – but only due to it hostility to me.  At one stage it gave me the finger, Elsie asked what that gesture meant.  I told him it was a universal gesture of greeting and that when he gets back on board ship he should smile and give the finger to everyone he meets as a greeting.  It was again at this point I remembered the link, and thought of my impending doom.  But I was having so much fun teasing the primitives, I could not help myself.

Thankfully the rest of the looting went without too much risk.  Found a body with another swizzle stick in it, couldn’t convince Elsie to take it.  The damn squirrel learnt to speak to a degree, and finally Elsie grew wise enough not to trust a word I said.  I just grinned at him and said, why do you think I got tossed off my Forge World, I’m a prick, no one likes me.

We found the masters armoury, discovered a container labelled fishing gear, and were surprised to find it filled with grenades.  Again we got the message, stand by for pick up, do not use grenades under any circumstances, danger to self and environment.  There were crates with weapons and antique power armour, again priceless beyond the richest mans dreams.  Yet the my greatest dream was the automation discovered in the last room we found just before extraction.  Inside was device I so desperately wanted, and what made me even more frustrated was that the AI Squirrel could link with the machine, it powered it up and it was activating its weaponry.  I exited the room at speed before it could obliterate me in a peak of displeasure.

It was an uneventful return flight.  The pilot didn’t do anything silly considering who was on board.  We were all taken to the central briefing room where we were dressed down.  Our faults were all laid bare, yet in the end the Mistress was happy with the results despite what our faults were.  Mind you when she got to me her words were (and I shall leave the narrative here) “Alpha Capharius as a individual you have displayed arrogance, pettiness, manipulative cunning, deviancy, abnormal depravity, greed, and excess.”  I looked at her and said, not able to help myself, “so your quarters 10:30 tonight?” to which she replied with an evil grin “no – make it 5:30 and bring the swizzle stick!”

Well I hoped you enjoyed the first instalment of the Dark Heresy Role Play Adventures I am part off.  Yes it is adult in content, yes a little perverted, but I am trying to milk every line from every movie and TV series I have seen over 50+ years.  I quoted Black Adder, Monty Python, Red Dwarf, Benny Hill.  I decided that with the link to the ship the crew would be watching the antics live and that the show would be called Carry on Adeptus Mechanicus.  My one liners and my ability to make people laugh, especially poor Simon the Game Master made my day, as I laughed as well.