Wednesday, December 18, 2013

WARNING - Morbid old man writing about his feelings

So it’s almost the end of another year, and the start of a new one.

I’m still here despite an overwhelming desire to leave this world of ruin.

I sit here among all my “toys” and my mind turns to the thought “what will happen to it all when I am gone”?  Well, what will happen?  None of my family has shown any interest or passion that I have for my hobby.  Will what I have accumulated over five decades be tossed out, sold or even kept?  Who knows?  Ultimately what my family decide to do with it all is up to them, but it makes me wonder what I should be doing.

When I was young and entered the world of gaming I had more “friends” than I could poke a stick at.  I was in a unique position to have a house, a wife who actually played games (or at least pretended to) and a venue for people to come game at.  I was generous to others and thought I had the respect and friendship from others in return.  The 1980’s were not a good decade to me; my health had started to decline along with my mind.  So instead of my “friends” supporting me they deserted me, and the start of my gaming life alone began.  Where I was an active role-player I moved to miniatures where I didn't need to have a large circle of “friends”. 

So the years rolled on.  I collected more from the need to feel happy, there is something in the phrase “retail therapy”.  What I accumulated became the envy of others, and led to increased loneliness.  I have been generous in my gifting over the years, but has it led to a greater enrichment of social interaction with my peers.  No it has not.  I am even lonelier now than I was when I first started to withdraw. 

My compulsive nature is to see others happy.  I have the belief that if I see my actions bring enjoyment then I can through that action achieve some measure of that enjoyment in return.  The only difficulty with this is that it has brought about a “martyr” complex. This is where my actions impact on my own welfare and over time has taken their toll.  My unreal expectations that others should reciprocate in a similar fashion have harmed me immeasurably.  Yet I still do it.  Why?  I do it knowing that if my actions only get one person in many starting to genuinely appreciate what I have done, then I can feel vindicated in my actions.  I am of course always saddened that others fail to see the significance of what I do, they are ultimately nothing but the many “users” who now populate this greedy and self-centered world in which we live.

The Christmas and New Year period, along with my birthday are two critical points in time when it comes to surviving.  I volunteer work where I read police and autopsy reports of people who have killed themselves, in other words - suicide.  I have an exceedingly good idea how to end my life successfully, unlike the last three attempts.  So will I survive this crisis point?  Who knows?  I think it is really up to others to take the time to include me in their lives, to make me feel like wanting to live, that there is a purpose to seeing tomorrow. 


My reason for writing this is that I really have no one to talk to.  All my genuine friends are gone, have busy lives of their own, or sadly dead.  No one asks me how I am, what am I doing, would you like to do this or that.  I seem to be like a fire alarm behind glass with instructions to only use in the case of an emergency.  Yet to be honest, even if someone were to genuinely ask me how I am, I’m sure I’d respond with “I’m still here”.

3 comments:

  1. I have just stumbled across your blog while looking for pictures of Firestorm Amarda figures. But I stayed to read a few posts and this one had me thinking, I like you am quick to gift stuff and have given away more than I have gamed with but I maybe coma at it from a diferent way I gift stuff so others can enjoy this hobby that I have enjoyed for over 30 years, I have never had a group of friends but am lucky that my Dad is a gamer so I always have a chance to game. In the last 14 months my Hobby life has become a lot fuller due to my blog and the friend I have made through it (although oddly I am taking a break from blogging ATM).
    I am going to follow your blog now and hope things cheer up for you and your hobby life soon
    Peace James Brewerton
    Exiles Painting

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Captain Jack,
    Unfortunately, our hobby isn't as widely followed as we would like. It's hard to find friends "in the real world" that enjoy the hobby as much as we do. I'm quite fortunate to have a few local friends that do enjoy miniatures, and push me to be even better at what we do. But that's not always been the case: I've had lapses of 10 years or more where I was not in contact with other gamers.
    If the hobby makes >you< happy, then enjoy that. The gifting and introducing the hobby to others is icing on that delicious cake. There are several online forums dedicated to people like us. wampforum, for one, is full of quite friendly people (that's where I met James, of the prior comment).
    As to when I pass away, what happens to all my stuff (and I've collected quite a bit over the decades myself). My family isn't interested in the gaming, though they have a few select pieces they'll hold onto. Some will be gifted to friends near and far, and for the bulk, I keep an excel sheet listing their approximate value to assist the "estate" into getting reasonable amounts while selling/ebaying/whathaveyou. I've already told my daughter I'm gonna make her work for her inheritence. lol! ^^
    We're only here for a short while ... we have to empower ourselves for our own happiness. You can't depend on others to provide that for you, no matter how close they are, just enjoy their company while they are there.

    Cheers,
    Kelly Lynch

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just have a wander and get talking!

    ReplyDelete